On my Lonesome

In honor of Valentine’s Day coming and going, I want to talk about being independent, not alone. This was my first year to not have a Valentine and honestly, it felt really good. Whenever I was younger, I was kind of obsessed with watching romance movies and dreaming about what my future love life would be like. As we all know, life does not always end up how you plan it to be. You will be faced with challenges and tribulations that will make you rethink your future goals and what is most important for you. Little baby Alli wanted to have a family, be a mom and hang out all the time. This particular lifestyle is great for some people, there are certain individuals that are made to be mothers and to nurture the people around them. As I’ve grown up and learned more about myself, I came to the realization that that life is not for me. Sorry if it makes me sound heartless, but I cannot imagine myself ever being a mom worrying about a small, tiny baby. 

            Currently, I feel like I am just stuck in a particular phase in my life that I just have to get through and live my life to the absolute fullest in the meantime. I already have my set goals on where I want to be in the future and I can see my dreams in the city coming true soon enough. For the time being, I have to get through school, but I still have time to enjoy being in college and in a sorority. My mentality is that this is the youngest I will ever be, so I have to try new things and make the craziest memories right now. With all this being said, it is really important for me to live my best life and make sure that I am doing something to constantly keep me motivated and wrapped up in life. Back to my whole message about this blog, one really important thing to me is my independence. I am always worried about myself and what’s going on in the environment around me. This may sound kind of selfish, but I cannot always be the one to push people to experience life. I like to worry about myself and ensure that my own mental health is in good condition. In some ways I really think I am dating myself. My actions never have to deal with anyone’s opinions but myself. For Valentine’s Day I bought myself lingerie just because I wanted to. Not like I had a special someone anyways, but it is important to spoil yourself for yourself. It feels amazing to see how beautiful I look in the mirror in my new Savage X set, plus I feel like such a baddie whenever everything matches. Doesn’t have to deal with anyone else, but I just feel good having matching lingerie. I have grown to be more comfortable doing things on my own and I don’t have a problem with it anymore. I love to go eat by myself and I promise you that no one will talk about you because they don’t care that you are alone. Some people struggle with social anxiety and it is difficult to be on your own or to do things by yourself. I totally understand that, personally I do not have this condition and I consider myself a social butterfly.

            Recently, my best friend in the entire world came to visit me and it made me ponder about how lonely I actually am. I am probably the most annoying, indecisive person you will ever meet. At the point in my life, I do not want a relationship, I just do not want someone in my life who can get in the way of me reaching my goals and having my dream career. Alli from 2 years ago literally never could have guessed I would have this mentality today. I am comfortable with myself and confident to be whoever I want without caring about anyone’s judgment. In the future, I see myself on my own and if I am at a point in my life where I want to take care of someone else then I’d definitely adopt. This is one thing that makes my mom crazy because I don’t want to have my own kids. Realistically, it just makes sense to me to adopt. There are so many kids that need a home and a skyrocketing number of individuals that struggle with issues that children should never have to go through. Plus, I hate babies. They’re always crying, and it is exhausting to take care of someone who can literally do nothing for themselves. Obviously, I speak so highly of children, so you have to assume they will be in my near future. (NOT REALLY) 

            One thing that I really want to talk about is relationships. I have been thinking about this so much because I honestly don’t know if I am ready for one or if it’s just not for me. I’m the type of person to like people for their heart and soul. If we have a connection through music, originality or ideals then, I’ll give you a chance. In my life, I just feel like I have so much going on at once that it is hard for me to actually set aside time to see someone and continue to talk to them. Dating is honestly an exhausting process because you pretty much have to tell your whole life story to a different person. I wish that everyone I think I’ll like just knew everything about me, so I don’t have to keep explaining myself. Relationships is a really hard concept for me because I am not necessarily afraid of commitment, but I am scared of being with just one person for potentially the rest of my life. Relationships just lead to confusion and a major loss in friendships. I’m not really sure if this makes me crazy or just a really soft person, but I get really sad whenever I don’t like someone who I guess really likes me. Currently, I am in the college phase of my life like I have absolutely no clue who I want to be with or what I want in a significant other. Old me would be so happy that boys like me and I’m surprisingly getting asked to go on a lot of dates, but the me today is freaking the heck out. I really just wish I could have endless guy friends that don’t end up never speaking to me and hating me whenever I don’t like them. One major thing that makes me sad is whenever I don’t like someone, and I know it hurts their feelings. It just sucks to make people feel sad and I wish I could do something about it, but you can’t force love. Emphasis on not being able to force love. The best things come when you’re least expecting it, but what if I am completely not expecting anything and it just goes right past me. Ending this whole shpeel on a positive note to always worry about the present and don’t inspect the little things too closely.   

Published by Allison C Dibble

I am a college girl, looking for ways to be trendy and save money. You can see a taste of my life by my outfits and my everyday activities.

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